"We are saying the interest in marriage and the state's interest and society's interest in what we have framed as responsible procreation is vital."
Huh--I missed that one when I was in my Government Classes. Which leads me into all kinds of wonderings. I know married couples who choose not to procreate, those who tried, and can't procreate and those who are too old to procreate. If Proposition 8 is upheld, then I would think we would then have to consider this procreation thing at greater length.
Which lead me to this idea--you know how airlines have different "club" levels for their frequent flyers? Fly over a certain number of miles each year and you get to a silver, even more--gold and, I think ultimately, you get to fly the plane
I suggest that we will need to set up a National Procreators Club--membership is automatic when you marry. You'll get a book that will be stamped with each procreated issue. The more stamps, the higher you go in the club:
Platinum Club: Natural Procreators: These are the stars of the marriage wars. These folks just do the right and natural thing that marriage was created for. As you collect your stamps you will move into higher levels:
- Opie Level: 1 Stamp--parents receive a life-time fishing license and an occasional pie from someone named Aunt Bee.
- Beaver Cleaver Club: 2-3 Stamps--comes with a lovely string of pearls for Mom and a super neat tie for Dad.
- The Walton Club: 4-7 Children--Members get a cow and an old grouchy man comes to live with them, they must call him Grandpa.
- The Duggar Club: 8 or more, you get your own TV show and a life time prescription to Xanax.
Gold Club: The Extra Effort Procreators Now these folks are going above and beyond for the sake of their marriage. They are the artificial insemminators and the IVF'ers. But now we get into muddy water--what about the ones who are parents, but who didn't use their own equipment? the Adopters and the Surogaters? I mean, they are married, and if marriage is defined as "two people who get together to make babies" then can we allow this kind of marriage? Again I propose different club levels:
- 1+1+1 Club: Used both reproductive parts from both partners with the help of a third party.
- 1+0+1 Club: Used one member's parts inserted into a non-member part with the help of a third party
- 0+1 Club: No member parts were used in the making of this baby
Lead Club: Or what will become known as The Losers. These are the non-procreators, the threat to the very institution of marriage: Members of these clubs may be subject to penalties.
- The Sterilizers: These selfish, greedy citizens decided they were perfectly happy without the pitter-patter of little feet or the smell of teenage armpits. They will be gathered up to live in gated communities that features a day care instead of a clubhouse.
- The Sterile: People who say they can't get their book stamped (But we all know if they'd just relax it would happen) and are unwilling to go to Level 2. They will be forced to watch "A Baby Story" on TLC on a daily basis.
- The Old Ovaries: This is the group who had the nerve to wait and marry in their 40's and 50's and now it's too late. They will have their Hormone Replacement Therapy taken from them and live with eternal Hot Flashes. Their husbands will suffer accordingly.
But wait! There's more! Because if marriage is based on procreation and we have all these amazing and wonderful ways to procreate these days, then my daughter and her wife would qualify for the Gold Club! And if adopters and surrogaters of the opposite sex can stamp their book, why can't those two guys on Modern Family?
Really, Mr. Cooper, you've got to find a better argument.
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